Desire and fear have an interesting relationship. At their core, desire is a drive in favor of something, while fear is a drive to avoid it. They both are a want, just in opposite directions. Also, chemically (and most emotions are chemical at their core) the substances released into one's bloodstream by sexual desire and fear are notably similar.
The hormones and such released into the bloodstream are even similar enough that they can build upon one another when alternated back and forth. This is part of why horror movies will often have a scene of sexual tension or sexualized displays before a scene of fear driven tension or graphic violence. The chemicals released by the viewer's body by the sexual arousal transitions easily into a state of fear arousal without the need for a separate build up of the emotional state. Many will make an even smoother transition by having foreshadowing of the horrors to come or flashes of the impending doom worked directly into the sexualised content itself.
Also, collectively we recognize this connection enough that horror movies, haunted houses, and other such attractions that are intended to terrify are rather popular dating choices, especially early on in a relationship or prospective relationship. We attend a slasher flick with one who we are considering as a potential mate and are placed physiologically in an ideal state to perceive them as attractive. Our hearts are racing, we're flushed, arousal hormones are pumping through our veins, and they are also flushed and out of breath. Exiting the theater, both persons' bodies are most of the way to hot-and-bothered already, and there they are, in one another's presence. The fear in the theater itself likely helped to override timidness at the idea of pressing close together and finding safety in personal contact with one another. Each person, going through this simulated trauma, likely felt protective and/or protected by the other. The fear and horror of this feature has now left them with the feeling, on some level, that they have gone through this experience and survived it together. Their bodies are primed and ready to go. They want to do something with that energy, and guess who is right there?
Even if such feelings aren't consummated that night, the desire will still be there and remembered. Any potential bond will have been likely enhanced by this adventure. (Also, the much less subconscious sexual tension provided by the previously mentioned overtly sexualised scenes will not have hurt the association of the other person with any sexual stirrings.) This is not to say such experiences are any kind of "foolproof seduction methods." They just greatly enhance the likelihood of a fledgling attraction being cemented in the minds involved.
There are other connections between fear and desire, especial if the desire is sexual. Almost everyone remembers their early recognition of their sexual impulses, and likely much later impulses as well, as being associated with fear. Everyone has wanted to go up to that hot someone across the room, and been afraid of knowing what to say. Anyone who has 'asked someone out' knows the gut gnawing fear of rejection. First dates, first kisses, and especially first times in the bedroom, are all full of fears of inadequacy and rejection.
Sexual attraction is terrifying. It has this great power over us, and even the most experienced persons who have devoted their lives to understanding it have only scratched the surface of all it's complexities. You have this want, but that want is a whole other person just as complex and intricate as you. You can simplify and objectify the subject of your desire as much as you want in your mind, but that will not change the fact that any such simplification is a lie. Every person you are attracted to is this whole other world. Trying to take your knowledge of others you have gotten to know, and extend those lessons to this new desired one, is as likely to confuse you further as help, because they are an entirely different and separate creature.
Men and women the world over complain about how mystifying the other gender is. If you listen to the complaints though, many of them are the same, just rephrased based on the gender of the mystifying person. Even listening to persons in a same sex relationship have many of the very same complaints as people in opposite gender relationships. The central point that most of these complaints come down to is that the subject of one's desire is a person with all of the mystifying complexity you have, and as such, can not be easily, if ever, understood.
Sexual attraction isn't simple like hunger. A pot roast is easy to understand. The pot roast isn't trying to understand you back. With sex, the person you are trying to enjoy is trying to find their own enjoyment as well, and you may not be able to fulfill what they are questing for. When you eat a pot roast, it doesn't matter if you are it's favorite kind of chewer. Your swallowing technique only matters insofar as it affects you. Sex is different. Your favorite flavor might not have you as their favorite. With food, if you don't get it, you just are hungry and feel deprived. With sex, you may feel horny, deprived, rejected, worthless, and unworthy when you go without. Also, if you go long enough without food, you eventually die of hunger. With sex, no matter how much you try and put yourself out there though, not only are you not guaranteed to ever succeed, but you can live indefinitely without it. Without food for long enough, you eventually die and are no longer hungry; in regards to sexual desire, you can potentially go all your years trying, and still be forever alone.
That is absolutely terrifying.
Then there is the love and relationships side of this. At least with sex you may find someone who just wants to use you for your body and you just want to use them for theirs. Appearance, performance, and availability are all that need be considered. Most people don't just want that, though. Sooner or later, they want to build a relationship. Sooner or later, most people want to find whatever they define as love. That is an even scarier desire than sex.
Sex has a limited number of axis that have to be considered at once. You can train and fake whatever with enough effort. Heck, with some money and a good surgeon, you can even remodel your body to fit a variety of tastes. A relationship, however, sooner or later, is about every part of you. A relationship is potentially dependent not just on your physicality, but also your intelligence, empathy, understanding, sense of humor, interests, smile, compassion, history, career, age, location, background, family, fertility, beliefs, work ethic, devotion, mental state, health, smell, taste, fashion sense, bank account, ethnic background, genetics, way with kids, dreams, soul, and the endless deluge of traits that make you who you are. It also is potentially dependent on all of those traits from the other person too. That is before one even figures for all of the varieties of circumstance and life situations that can get in the way of a relationship working. Even then, all of those endless stars being right, it can all come crashing down anyways if you or they make the wrong mistake.
Trying to start a relationship is pure fear. It is an exciting fear. It is a fear energized and pregnant with the possibility of what might be. However, it is a fear informed by the endless possibilities of how it might fail, and the full knowledge that the possible failure could end up being entirely your fault. Few things test the full battery of ways one can fear failure like a romantic relationship.
Then there is the fear of what problems the relationship might have that you might be willing or unwilling to push through. Would you stay if they put onions on everything? What if they like the wrong sports team? What if they like or dislike things you like or dislike? What if they are 'so bad' at your favorite game? What if they are better at it than you? What if they believe something you think is stupid? What if it turns out they already have a kid? What if they think what you believe is stupid? What if the sex stops being good or frequent? What if you catch them lying? What if you can't seem to stop lying to them? What if they cheat? What if you want to cheat? What if you can't agree with them what cheating is? What if they do/do not want kids? What if the two of you get pregnant? What if the two of you are not both the child's genetic parents? What if you or they are infertile? What if they hit you? What if you get angry one night and hit them?
Would you stay? Would they stay? What are you willing to stay through? What can you live with them putting up with because of you?
Sex is terrifying; relationships are terrifying; love is terrifying.
So many of us want them so much though. So many of us want to feel what sex, relationships, and love make us feel. So many of us would give anything to feel those ways.
Luckily, for most of us, somehow, fear is sexy.
No comments:
Post a Comment