An author with dyspraxia dysgraphia, isn't that kind of like a tone-deaf songwriter?

    There will be many little confessions down the way, but this is the first one I want to get out there. I'm a bit cross-wired in the head. I suffer from dyspraxia and the related dysgraphia. No, dyspraxia is not related to dyslexia. The word looks the same, and can have some similar results (including its own form of dysgraphia) but what is known about how it works is quite different. The best, though not technically accurate, description of the difference is that dyslexia is problems with getting info in, while dyspraxia is problems with getting it out. Dyspraxia roughly means uncoordinated. Dysgraphia means I have poor handwriting. As I am typing my writing, it would seem that this should not be a problem. However, the causes of the poor coordination and bad handwriting are still a problem.

    My writing is still heavily affected by these, because the way dyspraxia and dysgraphia manifest in my cross-wired brain affects the way I process many aspects of language, and heavily affects my organizational abilities. My dyspraxia doesn't make it impossible for me to do anything. It just makes quite a few things way harder than they should be or take way longer than they should take. It makes me take longer to write or type, it makes me have to pause longer to think on correct spellings or grammar, and it makes it take more effort and energy than normal for these tasks. This all taking longer and more effort leads to it being more frustrating and easy for me to be distracted. Also, more time to finish can mean more time to be tempted to change plot or setting details. This often spirals into total rewrites. It takes longer to jot down ideas and notes.

    I have still chosen to try my hand at professional writing because, disabled or not, I love telling stories. I love teaching. I love opening minds to new wonders, ideas, and possibilities. I am heavily inspired in this by a professor who took me under his wing some years ago. He suffered from mathematical dyslexia, but he loved mathematics so much anyways that he had risen to being the head of a university math department. He is an incredibly gifted man in many areas; however, his passions drove him not just to excel at what was easiest for him, but to specialize in what he loved that was hardest for him. In school, English was my favorite and most despised subject. I loved the stories, the images, the characters, the themes, and the worlds. I hated the spelling, the grammar, the punctuation, and the handwriting. I loved to write long, complex essays and stories on a multitude of subjects. I hated how I would never have enough time to finish, and the bloody gashes ripped in it by the teacher's red pen. I don't know if there is a much more eloquent way to tell a child to not bother trying to learn than symbolically massacring their work with crimson ink. Then again, if some other color were the standard for correction, I might feel the same about it.

    There isn't really that much known about these disabilities. They aren't exactly the kind of thing that gets nationwide fundraisers for research. I work with kids and teens with many of the more extreme disabilities and disorders, and I have to agree that they need the help first. Mine is a disadvantage and an aggravation. As far as I can tell, the current thought on the dyspraxia related disorders is that they have something to do with the way short term memory functions, and that it is disruptive to my muscle memory learning things. It also is disruptive of other organizational connections in the mind. I am not an expert on these disorders in general. Really, with how varied it seems they can be, it seems not many people are. I just know what experts have told me and what I have observed from my own experiences.

    I will probably go into more depth about this later if it seems there is an interest. Right now though, I'm starting putting my writing out there. I feel it is important, especially since I am writing under a pen name, to have a place where anyone who enjoys my writing can learn about where it comes from.

    For years I have nurtured stories, worlds, and characters in my mind. I can't just keep them contained any longer. I've started a few times, but kept becoming discouraged or distracted by the way my life kept falling apart. With this post, I'm not trying to claim I shouldn't be accountable for flaws in my work. Point them out, please, if you see them. I'm merely asking for patience. I really am writing as quickly and correctly as I can.

(Re-posted from a prior blog, written and posted by the same writer, on 12/03/2011)

A Passion for Continuous Improvement as a Whole Person

One of the pursuits that I am most passionate about is continuous improvement as a whole person. I have always had a passion for learning and helping teach others, but I remember when I finally had the epiphany that leveling up wasn’t just for characters in games, and that there was no good reason why I could not constantly improve on every axis. I find hope and inspiration in looking at my flaws, weaknesses, and even my strengths, then comparing all of those to a vision of my ideal self. From this comparison, I can plot a character progression by which I, in real life, seek to constantly draw closer to becoming my ideal self.

I do not just study one subject, I bounce between subjects so that, as one begins to feel like work, I bounce to another that is fun and new, and will come back to the prior subject once it is invigorating again. I have found that the more diverse my studies are, the better context I have for any individual subject. Studying history helps with understanding philosophy, which both help with understanding sociology, which helps with studying belief systems, which in turn helps me understand the reasons events happened in history and the beliefs that shaped philosophies. Understanding the physics of metallurgy and the chemistry of leather tanning informs the study of tactics of warfare in ancient civilizations, as it relates to supplying armies and a thousand other factors. I have found that almost every subject leans upon others, and that my understanding of them all increases with educating myself on any of them.

I don’t just train my mind, but my body as well. I’m in my mid-thirties; I am healthier, stronger, and in less pain than I was in my mid-twenties. Through studying advances in diet, exercise science, and physical therapy methods, not only am I able to improve my strength and heart rate, but every other area as well. In my twenties, my body and joints were in constant pain. Now, my body only hurts when it is sore, or when something is wrong. My joints have improved to a point of almost having no problems, and they have improved this way at the time of life when my joints are supposed to have started rolling down an inevitable path to failure. There is no good reason not to, at least, walk every day. With an inexpensive gym membership, I have access to low-impact cardio equipment and resistance machines to build up the strength and injury resistance of every part of my body.

Trying to stay the same, and never change, is a battle that can’t be won. If you fight just to not lose ground, sooner or later, you will have to take a step backwards. Then, sooner or later, you will fall back again. Trying to maintain youth or just keep your existing skills and knowledge sharp is a battle that you will lose.

The secret is to not seek to remain who you have been, and always seek to become some form of better than you were with every action and every day. If you are always marching forward, then a lack of progress, or even a step backwards, is not a major loss, because you can regain the ground lost and even take steps forward tomorrow. If you just stay good at what you are already skilled at, what will you do if that skill is no longer needed, or requires other skills to stay relevant?

To continuously seek improvement means to embrace change, especially change within yourself. If you truly are improving, then tomorrow you will not be the person you were yesterday. Improving yourself cannot happen if you only expose yourself to tasks and ideas that are comfortable with. If you are comfortable, then you are not growing. If you truly want to grow, you cannot just expose yourself to harder versions of tasks you have already mastered or higher levels of ideas you already are strong in. Growing as a whole person requires giving as much effort, and preferably more, to tasks and subjects that you find hard. The areas where you are weak are where you can improve the most.

Continuous self-improvement also means questioning and exploring your beliefs. Read, listen to, and talk to people who you disagree with. There is no better way to better understand what you believe than to honestly explore perspectives that wholeheartedly are opposed to your beliefs. Sometimes, you may even discover that some part of what you believed, or thought you believed, is wrong. This doesn’t mean that you have to throw the whole system of belief out, but it does mean you may have to look through your beliefs and find how this revelation applies across the whole system. You may even decide that core aspects of your worldview have to change, and if that conclusion is honestly arrived at, that is a good thing. It is far better to have to change how you relate to the world earlier than later. There are few things worse than, far too late, realizing you have been wrong your whole life, and the only thing that can be done about it anymore is to regret all you have ever done. Then again, it is perfectly likely that your beliefs will survive mostly or fully intact. If so then you will have gained greater understanding of what you believe, and why. Either way, challenge your beliefs often and vigorously, so that you may stand strong in your ideals, or change them before you have lived life in a way you cannot undo.

Continuously improving as a whole person also means questioning who you are and who you want to be. Caring for a growing plant does not just involve guiding the branches, feeding, and watering it. Sometimes, it involves cutting toxic or maladaptive parts off. Growth may be an additive process, but improvement can also be subtractive. Addictive, toxic, or otherwise maladaptive traits may be part of who you are now, and who you have always been. That does not mean, in any way, that those traits need to be a part of who you are tomorrow, nor do they have to be part of your ideal self. Growing hurts, but trying to change some aspect of self that is already there, especially the closer it is to the core of your sense of self, can be agony. It is terrifying to have an image of who you are and try to make real changes to be more like you want to be, because you can never have a fully reliable picture of who you will be without it. Trying to cut off the parts of you that are holding you back is frightening. It is painful. There is no fear or pain that I have ever faced that was more worthwhile than shearing off the parts of myself that made who I was my own greatest enemy. Finding peace within your own skin is an experience that is priceless.

Disasters happen, be they natural, purposeful, or just life events. Your home may be destroyed. Any of your family and friends may be taken away. There is no object you possess that cannot be lost to you. You will always be with yourself, every second, minute, hour, day, month, and year of your life. Even if you want to, you can never escape from yourself. There is no better investment in your time and effort that will improve your life than making sure that you are someone that you enjoy being around and can rely on in any situation. As a wonderful side effect, others may even rely on and enjoy being around you too.